Haven't written one of these since 2013. Legit feels like I've disassociated the last few years of my life. 2020 is a whole 'nother category. Starting to think there may be a pattern here. Reflecting on years past, I spot pockets of engagement, moments of connection, dare I say even willful participation in life. But for the most part, psychTwitter tells me freeze response is my preferred practice.
I was going to write something disparaging about the devolution of social media before it was even called social media, but I stopped myself. I realized that conversation was really about something broader; the resistance to adaption, MY resistance to adaptation. The real tea though is, now that I know about freeze response, EFT, yoga, meditation, self-medication, and all the other things we do to cope with trauma, how do I thaw? And how can I do it in a way that avoids and actively rejects a western capitalistic framework?
What is it I want to say; I imagine is a question most writers ask themselves. It's a question I always ask myself before I speak/write/post. I think I do this too much. I am my own censor. Sometimes this makes perfect sense, and other times it feels incomplete. If there were more shutting up in the world, there would be so much less kerfluffle around. Every thought is not a fact; every fact is not unknown; the unknown might need to stay that way.
Let's get into it. Recap My Life 2020.
Books.
Didn't read one book.Haven't read fiction in years, and when I did, it was a struggle. Deleted my old Goodreads account, which of all of my social media accounts, was one of the wrong ones to delete. I did make an attempt to listen to The Power of Habit, Carrie Fisher: A Life On The Edge, and My Morning Routine in early 2020 P.P. (pre-pandemic), but I did not finish them. According to Libby, the only audiobook I completed in 2020 was Spark Joy by Marie Kondo.
Music.
Ever since Prince died, shit has been weird. I haven't been able to climb into music like I used to. So much of the way music is presented, I find distasteful. Mostly now I just randomly listen to songs from shows I've watched that I find pleasing, but overall, the joy I used to get from album launch dates, to actually purchasing a physical, tangible artifact produced by said favored artist, has gone away. And now I'm left to downloading or streaming tunes, which feels wholly unsatisfying. That said, here's a link to my Spotify 2020 playlist. I have certain favorites on this list for sure, but I swear, listening to music just hasn't been the same for me since 2016.
Movies.
I already didn't like going to the movies. I'm a magnet for kids who kick the seats in front of them. The last movie I saw in the theatre was Queen & Slim, which came out in 2019. I went cuz I all'em said I should and I didn't like the movie but I liked the actors. Moving on, I don't think I could even list the number of movies I've grief-watched since the lockdown started, but here are some highlights from my Netflix queue (may update this with more titles later):
My Name is Dolemite
What Happened to Monday
Old Guard
Still working on this list.
Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasures.
So not 2013. Given the preceding events in 2019, which I have not yet written about, no stage was set for SIGP shenanigans in 2020. I used to be so much more interesting.
Outdoors.
The family did a good bit of kayaking this past spring/summer. Most of the time was spent at LaDue Reservoir. The next vehicle I get may have to be a pickup so I have a way to tote the kayaks.
Wishlist.
Top on my list is a humidifier because if I'm quiet and listen carefully, I can hear my plants screaming. Aside from that, I just want people to stop dying from an inept government.
Triumphs.
I am healthy, employed, with medical insurance. My adultren (trying out new words to describe my grown-ass children) are also healthy, and safe. My mother's sisters are also safe and doing well. We follow protocols as best we can. COVID-19 has tangentially touched my family in a physical sense. As a family, we have lost family friends, and distant relatives. In every other sense, we are finding new ways to live with the virus and with governmental neglect. Living through COVID-19 is hard. That in itself is a triumph.
Travels.
March 2020, I attended a conference in Nashville. We walked all around downtown, including Second Avenue. I arrived March 1. Folks were talking about coronavirus as if it were happening on another planet. When I returned to the office a few days later, quarantine was announced and that was the last day I worked in the office. By March 22, I started tracking the outbreak in Ohio in my bullet journal. By April, I stopped.
Create.
I knitted, macraméd, painted, wrote nothing in 2020. I'd quit teaching yoga that previous December. But I did sew. I made masks. Masks for my family, friends, and whoever asked. And then I stopped. I couldn't sew one more mask, even though they were requested. Instead, my creative reflexes were channeled into a move not too far from where we lived and in keeping up with my doctoral studies.
Losses.
If I'm totally self-absorbed and myopically focused on just my own life here, I'll admit I haven't felt like myself since the whole appendix thing. Another thing I haven't written about here, but I did here. But I will. I need to. It's part of my thawing.
I'm dancing around an issue. A major issue which we in the United States and much of the western hemisphere don't talk about well. As of this writing, over, 350,000 USian citizens have died from COVID-19. Almost 9,000 here in Ohio. Worldwide deaths, close to 2 million. We mourned for those killed in 9-11 and the Oklahoma bombing. We didn't mourn for those killed in Katrina, Maria, and other disasters occurring on the United States' shores. We commemorate those who lost their lives in wars, but as a country, we have done nothing to mourn for those who died because of white supremacy. This is a loss that will demand a reckoning.
Chadwick Bosman
Natalie Desselle-Reid
Chi Chi Devayne
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Tiny Lister
Kelly Preston
Charly Pride
Carol Sutton
Pop Smoke
Nicole Thea
Alex Trebeck
Eddie VanHalen
I could name so many more but this is stressful so I'm capping it. Relationships, whether lifelong, intermittent or temporary, virtual, parasocial, or otherwise, familial or formal are important intersections of who we are with others. I grieve for all those who have impacted my life in meaningful ways and thank them for sharing parts of themselves with me.
New categories for the 2021 recap:
Dissertating.
Home Apothecary.
Recipes.
Writings.
I reserve the right to add to this recap as the year progresses.